As the last of my friends pair up, get engaged, and even married, I can't help but watch in pure wonderment at how it's done. For the love of god, Greg Dorn has a girlfriend. The day he gets married is the day I give up hope for myself.
It's not that I haven't tried. I've gone out with a few girls here and there. And for whatever reason, it hasn't worked out. Maybe because the last three girls that I've dated I met in bars, maybe because I'm completely immature and unprepared for a committed relationship, and maybe because I hate women. Who knows.
Against all odds, I somehow type this post as a single man living in the major metropolitan area of Chicago, bustling dating scene and all.
But dating is much different now than it was 30, 40, or 50 years ago. The amount of women who have begun to realize that men are not necessary for happiness or financial security is growing drastically. To make matters worse, this simple line graph labeled Figure 1a conclusively shows that a 24-25 year old woman's desire to be involved in a relationship is less urgent than any other age group. Given that I am 25 years old, this undoubtedly exacerbates what I perceive to be a "dating problem", which I will delve into with greater detail momentarily. The playing field is narrower than it has ever been before. Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea, but half of them are already engaged and then half of those that remain are not urgently seeking a relationship.
Your first date. Dinner? Drinks? Cubs game? Casualness: intact. Escape routes: bountiful (do not take a first date on a hot air balloon). Sounds good so far, right?
Let's imagine for one moment a first date that consists of all the above. Cubs platinum bleacher tickets against the White Sox and Cardinals are sixty bucks apiece now, but you save those for your brosephs and bring her to a bronze level game against the Pirates--she likely doesn't know better, anyway. That's 85 dollars for the tickets. Four beers and two hot dogs--an extra 35 smackaroos. It comes out to 120 dollars for the Cubs game alone.
Then there's dinner and drinks. That runs you another 105.
You have now spent 225 dollars on a date. Congratulations, fuckface.
Unless this chick is Mila Kunis, you have just committed my #1 dating faux pas: Never spend money on a girl until the fourth date.
This auspiciously counterbalances the age-old mantra that women must not sleep with a man until the third date. And perhaps explains why I haven't gotten laid since the '90s.
But check my logic. You have just spent 221 dollars on a first date in which you only have a fleeting interest. As a normal, healthy 20-something year-old male swimming in your own testosterone, your goal for this date is likely to have sex with your date. I'm not saying that is my goal for a first date, because it's not. I'm talking about the majority of men here.
Let's say, optimistically, that 75% of first dates beget second dates.
Twenty five percent of the time you waste 225 dollars. That's 56 dollars on average. Let's say you skip the Cubs game your next two dates and stick to dinner and drinks.
56 + 220 +105+105 = $486
That's $486 dollars until sex.
Now I don't mean to sound like some embittered, acerbic chauvinist, but 95% of all relationships are transactional. She wants drinks, dinner, and the prospects of a husband. You want sex. It's an exchange of goods. That's not an oversimplification. That's a reality, a biological programming. It's how we are wired.
Before I continue any further, let me make this abundantly clear:
I hate hookers.
I have never gotten one or even considered getting one because it goes against everything I believe in (and because there's a good chance my parents are reading this). But a quick Google search quickly elicits a handful of offers for 150-200 dollars. And according to our party-bus driver in Vegas, average hookers in Sin City cost 250-500 dollars (high end escorts cost into the thousands).
As a matter of fact, there's not much discrepancy between the two. The only difference between dating and prostitution is the guise that I actually care.
What's the difference between buying a date dinner, buying a drink for a girl at the bar, and flat out paying a prostitute for sex? They are all exchanges of goods with the same desired outcome. And progressively, they take less time and effort.
I am not endorsing prostitution in any way whatsoever. I am just saying, from a strictly economic perspective, it makes sense. If you are single and have budgetary issues, consider dropping dating for prostitution. It's much cheaper and there is no misunderstanding the expectations of either party.
There are several things that it won't get you--affection, romance, yada, yada, yada.
But there is a word for people who look for these things in a relationship. They're called women. That's why the majority of sexual interactions are transactional (short-term) as opposed to relational (relationships). We're constantly on different wavelengths.
Come to think of it, the American economy has the same problem as the modern single man--too much dating, not enough sex. Streamlining, people. Cut straight through the fat to the bone (no pun intended).
What was I saying?
#20: Misogynist rants on public forums. At least I'm streamlining.
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